I began the year embracing Buddhism and Taoism, religions that-are-not-religions, and more a way of viewing the world. I learned a lot from my studies of Zen and of Self. Finally feeling a sense of peace with my path in life that I had come close to, but never truly grasped. I had to move back home in the early spring to help my family, saying goodbye to my first apartment. Not to what it represented, though, because I know I will return again to independence. My relationship with my family had improved drastically, and I really felt that they had learned who the real me was. This continued for sometime, me still able to enjoy my time off, staying in tune with current events.
The sorry state of the world, and especially this country, mirrors my own state of mind. Maybe a dark reflection, but still optimistic, in spite of all that's happened. I can see the light at the end of my tunnel again, and this time it looks like it will stick. But the darkness I've been through to get to this point has left its lessons on me once again.
My brother died.
He was twenty-six.
I cried today, as hard as I cried when I found out he was gone. Four months later, and the pain is still just as fresh. I heard the platitudes, and the empathies. I know that my brother exists in my memories and in the hearts of all that loved him. It still feels like he's just stepped out of the room, and he's still around, still existing, still experiencing the universe in a fashion unknown to me or anyone living right now.
But the selfish pain and grief of having lost my only brother, my childhood friend and companion, the man who slowly mentored me into adulthood the way only a sibling could. A slight, paternal sternness mixed with the goofiness of childhood and the desire to have fun. I'm tearing up now as I write this, because the memories I have of him are so bittersweet.
He will never grow old.
I will never see him in pain ever again.
He exists as perfectly as my brain can preserve him.
And I miss him everyday.
I'll learn to live with it, and in time, the grief won't be so overwhelming. But right now it hurts, so very much.
I love you, Toby. I'll always love you. And I know where your Self is, so is mine and the Selves of everyone who loved you.
Goodbye, Buddy.
-For Rob
